Vacation Notes
Dear Friends,
Below is the first guest blog from one of my dear friends. We were talking a couple weeks ago and she told me. Oh how my heart feels all the feels for her. I am so excited for her – because there is something powerful about arriving at a place where we can start to talk about things that happened. I’m also praying for her, and would ask you join me in that, because I know full well that all the progress she is making and the bravery to share her story will result in Satan being ticked and trying to undo the healthy steps she’s taken. My sweet friend – I hope today you are reminded of WHY you share your story. Because you’re not defined by that moment, your not held captive by that fear anymore, because sometimes sharing one story allows someone else the bravery to face theirs. Thank you for being raw, for being brave and for dealing with the hardest part of life. You radiate joy. That’s a gift my friend. Keep swimming!
Dear Interwebs,
Have you ever experienced something so scary, uncomfortable, embarrassing, or painful that you just shove it into the back of your brain and do your best to forget that it even happened?
I have. And I did well for a long time.
I “forgot” about it for almost 6 years. And while that strategy made it easier to deal with at the time, it surprised me when it snuck up on me so many years later.
I’m talking about the time I was sexually assaulted my then boyfriend and his roommate. I trusted them. I was used, violated, taken advantage of. Alcohol was involved. It could even be used as an excuse if I wanted it to, but it isn’t.
Fast forward almost 6 years. In that time, I refused to acknowledge that it even happened. But one day, it hit me for seemingly no reason at all. I was at work, sitting at my desk, when it suddenly hit me that I was assaulted. Raped. A statistic. The revelation took my breath away. I was gasping. Tearing up. Completely losing my composure in the middle of a workday over something that I “forgotten” even happened.
It took a couple of days to begin to process it. I wanted more than anything to shove it back into the corner of my brain where it had been hiding all this time and leave it there. But I couldn’t. Not now. I began to have thoughts go through my head that I didn’t like. Things that I had read about in blogs and seen on talk shows. Things I swore I would never ever think if something like that happened to me. “If I hadn’t had so much to drink.” “If I had only fought harder.” “Maybe I actually agreed to it.”
Theses thoughts are dangerous. They are too easy to have and too hard to get rid of. It took months of thought, prayer, and conversations with trusted friends to get those dangerous thoughts away.
It was not my fault. I did not consent. This does not define me. I am a statistic, but I am so much more.
I believe that my brain tucked that memory away as some sort of defense against myself. I “forgot “ about it until I was mature enough, wise enough, to deal with it properly.
I used to have a pendant necklace that said “All the strength you need is right there inside you.” My biggest revelation in all of this was understanding that I am not strong enough. I cannot do it on my own. I need Jesus to be strong for me. I can’t handle this. He can. I can rest knowing that he loves me. Comforts me. He gives me enough peace to forgive and move on. I got rid of the necklace.
Have you “forgotten” something? Something nasty that you said or did? Something that happened to you? Something big? Something small? These “forgotten” things must be brought out of the cobwebs of the mind and dealt with in order to move on. Jesus can help you do that. Allow him to help you do that. You are not alone.
You can’t handle it, but he can.
Love,
“Joyful”
I don’t know what you’re facing today. I hope you know you’re not alone, and that your loved by a God who can handle it, can handle you, and does so with more love and grace than we recognize.
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